How to raise an emotionally intelligent child
Think about yourself as a child and try to recall a time when you felt sad, frightened, or confused. Can you remember how the adults around you responded? There were likely two ways that the situation could have played out. In one scenario, the adults gave you plenty of space to express what you were feeling and listened without offering a solution or trying to fix things. Conversely, you might have been yelled at and told to stop crying, sent to your room, or even spanked.
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The reason children and feelings is an important discussion is that there are more and more adults experiencing psychological distress nowadays on a global scale. As Lael Stone said in her TED article, the growing distress could be a result of the beliefs we adopted about expressing feelings and emotions as children. Even so, our society still values IQ over EQ (emotional intelligence) so it’s our responsibility to see the significance of both. In this Pacific Prime Dubai article, we talk about how to raise an emotionally intelligent child.
3 ways kids learn to deal with feelings and emotions
According to Stone, there are typically three ways that children learn to deal with what they’re feeling: repression, aggression, and expression.
1. Repression
Some children learn early on that it isn’t safe for them to express what they’re feeling. Perhaps you were called names for crying or got in trouble when you expressed emotions so you kept them to yourself. When we repress as children, those feelings stay buried – only to reveal themselves later in life when we’re triggered. However, adults have new ways of avoiding those feelings as they bubble up, such as by burying themselves in work, pouring another glass of wine, or binge-watching TV.
2. Aggression
Children who feel frightened, powerless, or like they don’t have a voice and can’t express themselves will experience the resurfacing of those feelings sooner or later. This usually happens when we’re at our most afraid or scared, and can come out in the form of anger, aggression, yelling, and so on. Consequently, we might have been called difficult or naughty simply because we reacted to our environment.
When we hold onto those tendencies as adults, we might display bullying behavior, become extremely critical towards ourselves and others, or turn violent.
3. Expression
Lastly, kids who grew up being told (and shown) that all their feelings are welcome and that they are accepted for all that they are turn into adults who express themselves in healthier ways. As children, adults weren’t trying to fix them but were there for them instead. This allowed them to find ways to deal with difficult emotions that work for them, such as journaling, talking to friends, or moving their bodies. Likewise, this carries into adulthood as we find ourselves speaking to a therapist, going for a run, or reaching for a pen and paper when we want to express our feelings and release them.
Tips for raising an emotionally intelligent child
If you’re reading this article, then you likely see the value in emotional intelligence for kids and want to do your best job as a parent. But being a parent doesn’t come with any rules. And no matter how badly you want to keep your children happy, the reality is that no one is happy all the time. What you can do, however, is help your children thrive emotionally by holding space for them, regardless of what they’re feeling or expressing.
Here are some tips for raising an emotionally intelligent child.
Name your kid’s emotions
In order to recognize what they’re feeling, kids need to be able to name it. While you can’t know exactly what they’re feeling, you can guess and ask if that feels right. For example, if plans were canceled and they seem upset, you can ask if they are disappointed that they didn’t get to see their friend today. The goal is to build their emotional vocabulary so they can express their feelings, both good and bad.
Express empathy
It can be easy to minimize your child’s feelings, especially if it seems like they’re being dramatic. However, you’re showing your child that what they’re feeling is wrong by dismissing them. You could try to validate their feelings and express empathy instead. By letting your child know that you get why they’re feeling that way inside, they won’t feel the need to show it outwardly through behaviors.
Model healthy ways of expression
Kids aren’t born knowing how to behave or express themselves in social settings. Children watch and listen to others, and then learn and imitate behaviors. Use words from your emotional vocabulary regularly, especially when talking to them. For example, you can say “I feel happy that our friends came over for dinner tonight” or “I feel sad when I think about grandpa being sick”. On the other hand, if you yell and throw things when you’re upset, don’t be surprised if your child ends up doing the same.
Find healthy ways to deal with emotions
Understanding emotions is important, and so is dealing with them in a healthy way. Children might not know what they need to do to calm down or feel better. It helps to teach specific skills, such as deep breathing when they’re upset or overwhelmed. Likewise, you could create a “calm down kit” together with things like coloring books, puzzles, toys, calming music, bubbles, and other things that engage their senses and help them settle their emotions.
Teach problem-solving skills
Learning how to solve problems is crucial to developing emotional intelligence. After labeling and addressing feelings, you can focus on fixing the problem at hand. Start by brainstorming solutions. From there, help them weigh the pros and cons and encourage them to choose the ideal one. The same goes for when your kid makes mistakes. Talk about how things could have been different and what your child can do moving forward.
Try to avoid solving the problem yourself. Instead, provide guidance and support your child as they solve the problem on their own.
Remember that there is always room to grow
Even the most emotionally intelligent child still has room for improvement. Ups and downs are inevitable as they get older, as are challenges that will test their skills. Keep talking about your feelings and incorporating skill-building into daily life. The subject of your conversations will develop with age too. But keep the conversations going and continue to offer support and guidance so your child can develop the EQ they need to excel in life.
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Jantra curates and reports on the results of Pacific Prime’s monthly newsletters, as well as manages Pacific Prime’s Deputy Global CEO’s LinkedIn posts. Complemented by her background in business writing, Jantra’s passion for health, insurance, and employee benefits helps her create engaging content - no matter how complex the subject is.
Growing up as a third-culture kid has given her a multicultural perspective that helps her relate to expats and their families while 8 years of working remotely have given her unique insight into hybrid work arrangements and enthusiasm for employee benefits.
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